But seriously, here on her 20th birthday, it’s after 11pm, and her brother never showed up this weekend after leaving home Friday night (promising to be back by 1:30am). Jasmine drove off looking for him this morning (Sunday), first at his friend James’ house and then at James’ job, and she was ready to drive to her brother’s cheating girlfriend’s house next when I told her to come home. But that’s how important it was to her that he be here; plus, he’d told us many times how important it was TO HIM to be here for her birthday. Because he has missed it for the past few years. (He’s just 9 months older than her; they are related by adoption only.)
We didn’t go to church, and we left later than planned to go to Ruby Tuesday for Jasmine’s free birthday burger plate. After that, we went to our downtown area for a birthday photo shoot. Got back home at about 2:15, and Jasmine asked to open a present, so I let her open the Wii I got with Swagbucks. She was so excited! Then she got cleaned up and headed off to her little brother’s birthday party. (My kids have a half-sibling who was born on my daughter’s 15th birthday.) She went without her adult brother. He didn't even show up for that.
Jasmine will never attend another party for her baby brother. Her dad and family did not sing to her Friday night when they met her at a chinese buffet, and she told him so today. Well, all she got was a “sorry, honeybun.” No song for her on her actual birthday. Her baby brother got a boatload of big presents—including a big drum set—and did I mention he's just five??? And a cake with candles that his father lit. Heck, he probably made the cake! He fed the baby at the restaurant Friday night even though his current wife was there. He lavishes his new kids with attention. Meanwhile, the ones he walked away from when they were 6 & 7 continue to suffer. (There was also a four-year absence where he made no contact or attempt to pay child support...) Anyway, while at the little brother’s party (on HER birthday too), an uncle gave Jasmine a $20 bill. No card. (That was probably spur of the moment and not a planned gift.) No other family gifts were forthcoming. Her father had given her a card with $50 in it at the restaurant.
Oh yeah, she told her dad that it hurt her feelings that he wouldn’t come see her bedroom that had been prettied up in June. Again, he said sorry, honeybun, and when he finishes fixing up his old house that he’s trying to sell and the new house that he’s remodeling, then he will come see her room. Same old story she’s been hearing since he came back into her life at age 14. When he is not busy with his job, his house, his church, or his new family, then he will have time for her. That line has gotten really old, and she is not impressed. She feels unloved. And I can’t fix it.
So, she came home this evening, repeated that she would never go to another party for baby brother, asked if I’d heard from her older brother, and then opened her two gift bags: one held a tub of cotton candy and a small assortment of candy from the general store (a birthday tradition), while the other held ruby slipper slippersox, sticky notes with her name on them, and a peace necklace and rubber "I love you" pink ring. The Wii and Slippersox were paid for with Amazon.com gift cards earned through Swagbucks. The other stuff was just little stuff that I picked up around town that I knew she’d enjoy.
Anyway, after that, she jumped on the mini trampoline and then went to bed.
So I’ve set here and cried again. My heart is broken for my daughter with no loving family men in her life. I don’t want to deal with my son any more. I don’t know what to do. All I can think of is telling him to get out of my life for good.
He owes Jasmine $15. He keeps bumming fives behind my back, which makes me furious. He bummed $5 to give as a birthday gift to one of his friends earlier this week! He had Jasmine drive him to another person’s birthday party! He uses his sister and then puts on this protective brother facade, but in the end, he is not there for her.
I wanted to go post on his FB page that he’d better be dead because that’s the only acceptable reason not to come celebrate his sister’s birthday and play the Wii with her (which he knew about and wanted to play). But of course if I did that, everyone would think bad thoughts about me. And there’s a slight chance that he could be dead and I just don’t know it yet. Or in jail. So I control myself.
* * *
Update, April 3, 2013: So, in the end, the boy did not come home. We heard from him about two weeks later, when the money he managed to acquire ran out. I told him I had nothing to say to him and hung up on him. It may have been a week later that an old acquaintance of mine contacted me to let me know he was staying with them. He ended up coming over two months after Jasmine’s birthday to bring some small belated gifts. She forgave him quickly. She always does.
As for her father, she asked him if she could have an actual gift for Christmas. So, in addition to the annual Christmas card with $50 in it, he handed her an unwrapped box of peppermint candy. She has hated peppermint her entire life. Not even her toothpaste or mouthwash can be mint flavored! I couldn’t believe it when she told me. I wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him, yelling, “What is WRONG with you?” But, I never yell. I am always gracious. I tell him quietly over the phone that she doesn’t like peppermint. I wish he’d asked me for suggestions. I wish he’d take her shopping and ask what she likes. I wish he showed an interest in her likes and dislikes. I wish he understood what she had asked for—to be treated as he treats his birth children, to be celebrated, to receive her father’s love inside a big, beautifully-wrapped package.
She is a sweetheart, and she deserves to be loved for who she is.
I'm short on advice, but can affirm you feelings, Brenda. You obviously know Barron and pegged it right. Shame on him. It is so sad that Jasmine has determined her dad is just lost to her. She is right, but it's sad. Shame on him, too.
ReplyDeleteRe:Bht-listen to your mom. Does bht have a key to the door? Get it back. He's homeless. You've done more than your fair share.
ReplyDeleteThe office manager: just tell the manager you need the $. It's not begging. It is earned $.
Sad. A mother's heart for sure. You have given and given and it's hard what you are going through and I know your heart breaks for your daughter. Tough love is hard but sometimes what is needed prayers for you all
ReplyDeleteNo, he doesn't have a key. He will just knock forever. His MO is to make a noisy pest of himself till he gets what he wants.
ReplyDeletePut on nice business apparel, fix your hair and make up, and march right up to the office manager's office and tell him that you would like to know when you can expect the pay they owe you. That if the time frame he offers you is not acceptable, or if they pay is not there on that day, you will be speaking with whoever is above him. That you work hard to have your work in on time, and there is no good reason for him not to have your pay on time. Then if he's ugly or non-committal, or just doesn't cooperate, head right on up the line. There's no reason for this, and even if he does pay up, it probably still wouldn't hurt to let someone above him know about it. I bet he sees that their checks are paid out in a timely manner; they may not know he is doing this to editors.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry K & B are both such losers. B has learned some of this from his father. I am glad that J stood up to him, though, and told him he hurt her feelings and that she will not go to another of E's parties. Good for her! I'm sorry it won't result in any lasting change on his part, but maybe if she puts a little emotional distance between them, she will get hurt less.
I agree that it's time to give B the boot. When he comes knocking with the $$ he owes Jasmine and some groceries for a meal together, then he can come in and enjoy your company and dine at your table. And if you tell him to leave and he continues being noisy and such, call the cops for him disturbing the peace/trespassing. He has gotten to the point that you have to do what you have to do regardless of what others may think. Anyone whose opinion really matters knows enough to know that he's made his own bed. Great big hugs!!
I don't like to say it but I agree with your mom. He comes to use you for food, money, rides, etc. He is still all about himself and can't get past it for a birthday. If he wants to do it all himself, then he does it by himself. It makes me disappointed that tax dollars go toward people who live off the system. Time to grow up but you can't do it for him.
ReplyDeleteJ doesn't deserve K's selfishness and lack of action. How would he feel if she didn't acknowledge his birthday or Father's Day and just said, " Oh, sorry Daddy dear!" to every disappointment. Birthdays are birthdays no matter how old you are. He is a father of 4, not 2. If he can't remember that, he should get a kick in the pants. He better start reading the Bible that he talks about and see that the Father doesn't play favorites. I wanna smack him quite frankly.
If the office mgr doesn't care then it is time tO go above his head. Explain that you have a budget and set days for mortgage, etc and that you rely on set dates like any job. How much do u want to bet that the office mgr gets his pay on time and would be upset if he didn't? What kind of Chrisitian attitude and behaviour is that anyway? Unprofessional.
ReplyDeletePoor Jasmine, I feel bad for her. It's just not right for her to be treated that way. Maybe some distance from her dad would be helpful. At least she might not get hurt feelings as often.
ReplyDeleteSounds like Barron is still in a very selfish mode. I probably wouldn't have much to do with him. I think he will take advantage of you and Jasmine as long as he knows he can. He still needs some time to mature it sounds like.
Well, that's why I've seen The Avengers, Spiderman and Batman this summer. Dd didnt have anyone else to go with. Nobody gets what she deals with every day.
ReplyDeleteSame here with Kara. She has no one other than her family and marie.
ReplyDelete